Some weeks back I went to Chonbury to try skydiving, a bucket list item that can easily become your bucket. I went with the conviction to jump as it is something I have always wanted to do. At the time I was not aware I was doing it for the wrong reasons. When I got to the drop zone I discovered my credit card had been cancelled by my bank because there had been “suspicious” activity. Believing in Fate, as I do, I quickly changed plans and headed to Pattaya, a nearby beach town known for its entertainment.
I was entertained and the next morning I woke up with a new plan, hatched the previous night with a couple of new drinking buddies whose names I don’t remember if I ever knew them, to take the party on the road to Sihanoukville, Cambodia. I walked out of my hotel early (11am) to search for something to eat and a taxi to the bus station where I was to meet my now traveling buddies.
As I walked down the Soi I was amazed there were so many men already in warm bar seats drinking and smoking while groping. I’ve never had the fortitude to continue drinking at that pace for more than a day. I wondered why they wanted to do it and I didn’t. That question led me to the next and most important one.
I was feeling like crap from drinking all night and other stuff and was headed to yet another place where I would surely, like the previous night, make myself feel good for a while, with booze and other stuff, and then suffer again like I was at that moment: Why was I doing what I was doing?
The answer did not come right away. The thoughts bouncing around my hurting little head almost paralyzed me. I did not go to the next party zone and instead got on a bus back to Bangkok. On the way back I sat next to a guy who had had a heart transplant a few months earlier, he could not drink or smoke. However, he claimed to have a perfectly great time without additives.
While he told me his life story I pondered my question; why? I traced my steps back to when I had made the decision to go skydiving. It was when my wife left for a trip, without me. How I felt about that compelled me to take a trip likewise. She went on a pilgrimage and considering the gods I worshiped back then I guess I thought I was going on one too.
I realized I had made the jump trip to get even or punish her for making me feel left out of her life. I also realized I had gone out to drink, and other things that were not in my best interest, to get even or punish her for making me feel whatever feelings of inadequacy I had felt ever since we got married. Of course, she had never done anything intentionally to make me feel anything but happy and loved – at least in her mind and her intentions, I believe.
I revealed my revelation to my wife and she said I was too sensitive and called me a woman for having opened up. In the past I had chosen to take it like a man and went out to “get over it” with a bottle of beer in one hand and whatever made me feel good and comfy momentarily in the other.
I may be a coward for not having jumped from a perfectly good plane in flight and a woman for having dived deep into my soul and getting my bottled feelings out, but I feel better. I don’t feel the need to get hammered or hammering someone to make myself feel better about what is or is not happening in my life. I made a commitment to make myself feel better about my life with my actions and not let life decide what’s what for me.